(rabulrrabulrabulrau)...they're like waves of
different personality-alchemies; each mood period
has it's individual traits and bent of perception -
I've actually named some of them, and have violently
killed others. They war amongst themselves, and I try
to figure out whom to feed, and whom to starve.
Occasionally disturbing the equilibrium of
recent inertia have been flashes of inspiration
and insight, troubling for their desperation: an `infra-
self', a subconsciousness of me, wants fervently for
`daffodil' - the ideal one - to do or become this or that.
art-fueled, energetic; projects some kind of revolutionary
magic force into the mass mind of humanity; social evolution,
all that - you know the drill. The dream that compels it
is one that plenty of people feel. I suspect that a good
percentage of `us' are also familiar with the lugubrious
mass of depressed mucous that piles on top of that
dream, stinking and hardening in scabby layers of rancid
leprous failure.
If it weren't for damnable soaring fits of naive,
seemingly impossible hope, fuggin' *aching* is what it is,
I imagine that I could easily
set aside the torturous pain of the diseased mound, bury
a useless suffering infra-self, and move along to some less
feverish reality in which tidier goals are manifested
without the need for anachronistic rigors, time-consuming
artistic experimentation, honing - what has seemed to
amount to fruitless pondering.

Argh.

The image of a black-clad gamelan wearing
ghost-paint and glaring through scary-then-lilting
works of music as a barren space is temporarily
transformed into a fantastic - but modern and
innately secular - deity, will just not leave me alone.

As I stepped out to the porch to smoke (about a 1/2hr
ago as of this writing) music composed itself in my head -
though I actually consciously fought it - and now it
exists, more or less, as SIGH three pieces of music
from which can be derived the framework for three
to five more short movements, all fucking perfect
for the show we've been discussing. Oh, it's clear
that my brain has been working on this for some time,
in the periphery, away from the criticism and
discouragement of my foremind, but now it's gone
all `chatty' - it suggests `Catheter' as a name for the
performance-sigil (along with the phrase
`performance-sigil');
I suppose it's noticed what conclusions I've been drawing
from life and wants to make an energetic strike for some
kind of `success' in the form of I suppose what amounts
to ritualizing. Praying for rain.
So there it is. The music is definitely... alchemical.
Balinese monkeys, humorless post modernist automata,
and The Shape of Things to Come have all found some
sort of collaborative expression in the theory, which is
definitely something a dreaming mind would concoct;
"eerie, ominous, multiphonal orchestra and chorus"
is misleading but necessary.
Hats off from forebrain to infra-self; as a peace offering
and continuing incentive it gave me not only the title
but also the operating theory for the lyrics to the
piece the choral group has been laboring over:

"Verzweiflung Caterere"

is what is offers, and proposes syncretic synthesis
of italian and german into a "singing language" thus
refuting classical music theory with itself in the
playful spirit of the imagined 1920s (it's `infraconscious';
of course it's weird. obviously, the infra-self has
mixed the two pieces up into one big mood, but I don't
need to say this is all insane rambling right? Throw sompm
out there, fuck, somebody else post some embarrassing
shit goddamn yo listen to me what I'm sayin' hey. Two
different pieces, right? But my subconscious mind has
latched onto the word 'catheter'.)

Here are some example phrases:


benchè siano asserviti

linkshändiger magischer Katheter zum Bauch!


erano pronti a trasportare
(sie waren bereit zu liefern) catetere magico sinistro alla pancia....
....aber es war ihr Selbst!



of course, you'll have to hear it sung, and
(since it's 5.57am) I haven't heard it yet;
but the infraconscious self irascibly insists
that I have, if I'd just care to remember, so
whatever whatever OK - I'm doing what it
wants and typing this all up. See you
wednesday~?